This is long but it is worth reading.
This is for all the single, married, divorced, widowed
individuals, who take life for granted. Please I BEG YOU, read this
story until the end, it is such an opener. You never
Know.........................!
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of
asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining
years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young.
Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for
him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she
suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to
bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and
started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to
let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright
room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and
round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother."
Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy
the feeling
that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his
pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he
would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I
surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy
feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with
her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living
room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you
young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also
can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house,
our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and
hubby
smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get
use to it."
Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter,
whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I
told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure.
Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask
each and every item how
much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even
more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You
little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would
solve it."
There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.
Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the
breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the
wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like
the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice.
She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her
silent protest.
As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am
exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the
luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence
I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time,
mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created
additional
work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic
bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in
our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish
washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt
her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the
dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in
her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he
did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt
child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and
asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't
you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a
bowl however
unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of
time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very
awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war,
hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.
In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast,
mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without
any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby
happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for
having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing
breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to
work. That
night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD,
is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you
chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me
alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time,
hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am
left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I
felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be
rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I
could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited
everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying
and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the
washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened
my mouth but no
words came out of it, I really did not mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at
us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave
me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For
three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so
furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up
with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having
the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled
with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my
life.
Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go
and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.
Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a
sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't
hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the
possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance,
I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he
looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and
my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my
voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he
has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my
heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that
moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby:
"Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me
around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in
the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even
withstand the test
of one fight?
Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the
disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.
That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the
lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing
the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank
deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends
to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and
money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming
down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this
out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his
secretary gave me a weird
look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is
now in the hospital."
I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time
I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me,
his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin
face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this
happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me,
with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find
out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after
mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop,
apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the
countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster
and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I
finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up
that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am
indirectly the killer of his mother.
Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a
strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and
self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him
that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead
look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just
fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and
thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my
fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went
by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues,
we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am
like the dead knot in his heart.
One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the
glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he
very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After
recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in
front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have
nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl
looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby
stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me,challenging
me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the
brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood
that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside
me. That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way
to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each
other.
He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I
returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched -
he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him;
the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone;
I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again
every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical
examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the
baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby,
perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death. One day,
I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house
was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this
piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it.
In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find
peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait
a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just
like mine.
As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot
cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let
tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared
fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and
pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I
signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you
pregnant?" Since
mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I
could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I
said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark,
we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the
blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if
I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he
repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive
him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl,
that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn
such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for
him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of
reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone
forever and could not repeated.
Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring
some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat
anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I
stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper,
marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try
to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the
living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night,
from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This
used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake
illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he
would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared
for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there
between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I
continuously ignored him.
Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant
products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and
bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying
to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions.
He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his
typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web
surfing but none
of that matters to me anymore. It was sometime towards the end
of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a
sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did
not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried
me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly
and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the
hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into
the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a
thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would
love me as much as he did?
He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his
warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction
pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me,
eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his
hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the
floor. I
cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that
tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for
him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through
my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he
had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle
that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first
discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me
saying: "Prepare for his funeral."
I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into
his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hitsme.
Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I
had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote
for our son:
"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look
at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your
life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I
can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But
daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all
the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your
lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's
suggestion....
Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have
accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is
very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who
loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school
to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing
with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for
the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness,
because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of
our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and
I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I
cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some
of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all
written on the packaging... "
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought
our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and
smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..."
He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in
his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the
button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air
as tears slowly rolled down my face.... A fatal misunderstanding and the
person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever..."Cruel
misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to
our family. Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and
peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as
destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too
late."........
This is a true story.
LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!
I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my eyes as
I read through each line eager to know what would happen next. It truly
showed the devastating power of grudges and anger! Simple humility and
communication would have resolved most of the problems in that story, as
well as patience.... This story has really touched my heart and life as
a whole and it has stimulated a paradigm shift. Though it is very sad,
it is also very refreshing to know that from today, I can consciously
start to live a life free of grudge. People please let's live a life
devoid of grudge. Communication is key.
Take greatest care and live on to cherish love and people around you
